Humble Thoughts

I want to let everyone know that Braden is good.  He went through the procedure like the trooper he is and came out smiling.  Literally.  The nurses were gushing over him and couldn't believe just how good he was/is.  

The MRI was supposed to be done at 12:30.  That means we were to arrive at 10:30 for 2 hours of lovely chats with many of Kaleida Health's nurses and administrative staff.  Pre-ops actually only took about a half hour of that time, and the rest was spent waiting in the....you guessed it The Waiting Room.  In fact, they should really start calling it "The Interminable Wait Room" or simply "The Room You Will Be In For Hours".  

The patient ahead of Braden was an hour late.  So, that pushed off our scan for another hour. And then, that same patient ended up needing an additional half hour of scans.  Another 30 mins to wait.  Not a fair part of the system, I think, but then, I don't run a multi-million (billion?) dollar hospital...  

All of this would be only a minor problem if Little B had been able to eat or drink a little.  He hadn't eaten or drunk anything since he had dinner the night before.  He could have had clear fluids up until 2 hours before we were to be there, but since he woke up at 8:45, we didn't want to push it.  If we had known that we had an extra hour and a half to play with, he could have had some liquid refreshment to tide him over...but he didn't get to have anything.  

And let me tell, you...if I were in his position, I would have been a raving lunatic by the time I had to go in!  But, he was simply Braden, playing contentedly with all the other waiting children, loving the new stimulus and interaction.  Side note - isn't it the cruelest thing to have a play kitchen in the play area with all the plastic food included if kids can't eat, the bananas and toast with a dollop of butter melting, the realistic but mini frying pan sizzling the fake bacon and eggs?  I thought so!  I kept trying to catch myself, hoping not to let a name of any type of food slip from my mouth, hoping my gaze wasn't then met with ten instantly ravenous little monsters!  ;)

So, we were a little late going in, and he handled it typically beautiful.  

We were allowed to go in until he went under the effects of the anesthesia, and it is slightly horrifying to kiss your baby on the cheek while his eyes roll back into his head.  My stomach was in knots, hoping he would be alright and worrying about what they would see during that little glimpse into his growing brain.

Luckily, we didn't have to wait long. 

And the news that we were expecting and ironically hoping to hear was confirmed.  He has mild CP.  And for some reason, my eyes welled up.  I fought the tears that wanted to come because the realization of the definity of the diagnosis was heart wrenching. 

Simply, our baby has brain damage.  Yes, it is very slight.  And yes, it only affects the motor function, rigidity and weakness of his right side.  But, nonetheless....it is brain damage.  And that was so hard to hear.  Most likely because he is a triplet, and he was born second, he was deprived for oxygen just long enough to cause this minor damage. 

He is having problems, and now we know what they are caused by, and where we can go from here. It is the best news we could have hoped for, facing down a multitude of possible outcomes, but to hear it confirmed was disheartening. We want the best for our son, like any parent does, and facing a future with 2 instant comparisons by his side, we will always be walking that fine line between babying him and holding him to a high standard.  His siblings are physically perfect, and it hurts to know that this fact may haunt him, be baggage, so to speak, for the rest of his life. But then again, this is Braden we are talking about here - he might never give it a second thought, content in his unique physiology.

We never want him to feel inferior, but we never want to hold him back because we think he is incapable due to a handicap.  Like I said, a fine line, and we are terrified to screw that up.  

The awareness that nothing else is wrong with my baby's brain function stole over me many hours later, while holding him in my arms.  I became grateful and humble, hit full force with the knowledge that it could have been so much worse...and that we are incredibly lucky to be where we are.  

So, again, he is good - the doctors have said that he will be walking soon and that he will be fine - thank you so much for all of your kind prayers.  And now we know where we are headed...finally in the right direction.